on April 14th, 2015 7 Comments
We’ve partnered with Inspire, a company that builds and manages online support communities for patients and caregivers, to launch a patient-focused series here on Scope. Once a month, patients affected by serious and often rare diseases share their unique stories; this month’s column comes from heart patient Carolyn Thomas.
My doctor once compared my uneasy adjustment to life as a heart patient with being like a stressful move to a foreign country.
I used to be pretty comfortable living in my old country, pre-heart attack. I had a wonderful family and close friends, a public relations career I loved, a nice home – and a busy, happy, healthy, regular life.
Then on May 6, 2008, I was hospitalized with what doctors call a “widowmaker” heart attack.
And that was the day I moved far, far away to a different country.
Many who are freshly diagnosed with a chronic and progressive illness feel like this. The late Jessie Gruman, PhD, who spent decades as a patient, described in a Be a Prepared Patient Forum column that sense of being drop-kicked into a foreign country: “I don’t know the language, the culture is unfamiliar, I have no idea what is expected of me, I have no map, and I desperately want to find my way home.”
Deported to the foreign country called Heart Disease, I too found that nothing around me felt familiar or normal anymore once I was home from hospital.
I felt exhausted and anxious at the same time, convinced by ongoing chest pain, shortness of breath and crushing fatigue that a second heart attack was imminent. I felt a cold, low-grade terror on a daily basis.
Instead of feeling happy and grateful because I had survived what many do not, I frightened myself by weeping openly over nothing in particular. I slept in my clothes. I didn’t care how I looked or how I smelled. I had no interest in reading, walking, talking, showering or even getting out of bed. Everything seemed like just way too much trouble.
Where once I had been competent, I now felt unsure.
Where once I had made decisions with sure-footed speed, I now seemed incapable of deciding anything.
And my worried family and friends couldn’t even begin to comprehend what was going on for me – because I could scarcely understand it myself. Sensing their distress, I tried to paste on my bravest smiley face around them so we could all pretend that everything was “normal” again. But making even minimal conversation felt so exhausting that it eventually seemed so much easier to just avoid others entirely.