'Wow, I'm a pathetic sight,' I thought as I stepped out of the bright fluorescent light onto the rainy pavement, fumbling with my half-open umbrella and crying. I was coming from Walgreens, clutching on to a crisp white paper bag containing Tamiflu and bottles of Children's Tylenol (cherry and grape) and re-playing in my head the comments a pharmacist had just made to me. "Did they not get their flu shots?" she had asked, not unkindly, as she packaged up my loot. "Is that why your kids got sick?" Hence my (guilty and big) tears.
My two girls - ages eight and five - had indeed not gotten their flu shot. I had meant to take them in - I'm a super-organized mama who usually follows doctors' orders to a tee, the type who carefully monitored and recorded the contents of her newborns' diapers for weeks and who typically schedules well-child exams as close to her kids' actual birthday as possible. And yet time slipped away from me this fall, I hadn't taken them in (no excuses - just life), and earlier that day my oldest had tested positive for a particularly nasty type of Influenza A. Hours later we were called by the girls' school: The little one was now sick with a high fever (and likely the flu). The doctor suggested we start her on Tamiflu, too, and hope for the best.
My guilt, as I watched my kindergartener later cry out in pain (when my husband asked what she wanted for Hanukkah, in an effort to get her mind off her sickness, she moaned, "I just want to feel better"), was practically all-consuming. How could we have not taken them in? I kept asking myself. I go every year, and I always follow the pediatrician's recommendations about vaccines. I believe in the importance of vaccines. So what was I thinking?
Later that evening, after the kids (following much negotiation and crying) agreed to take their "yucky"-tasting Tamiflu and had finally gotten to sleep, I took to Facebook, where friends and acquaintances sweetly tried to cheer me up and came to my defense. The girls might have gotten sick even if they had gotten a flu shot, some suggested. (Although: This year's vaccine offers protection from this particular strain.) They could have had a reaction from the shot itself, someone pointed out. (Yet: My kids have never experienced side-effects from being vaccinated.) The pharmacist was just trying to fill a quota for flu shots or make you feel bad, one old college friend suggested. (But: The pharmacist actually wasn't being pushy or judgmental with her question; she seemed more curious than anything.)
The bottom line is that I messed up and didn't come through in protecting my kids this time around. It was a hard pill to swallow. But what comforted me in the end was the thought that my daughters' illness is temporary and in the grand scheme of things, not all that bad. I am blessed for my children's overall good health (I know many parents have to face far, far worse things than the flu), and I am blessed to have the resources that enable us to see a good doctor and purchase not-inexpensive antivirals.
The experience, also, reminded me of some valuable lessons. A parent - or anyone, really - should never take good health for granted. And one should never become complacent about disease and illness prevention.
I'm fairly confident this is the last year my girls will ever go without a flu shot.
Previously: Side effects of childhood vaccines are extremely rare, new study finds, The earlier the better: Study makes vaccination recommendations for next flu pandemic, Working to create a universal flu vaccine, Ask Stanford Med: Answers to your questions about seasonal influenza and European experts debunk six myths about flu shot
Photo by kanonn