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Why does “just doing medical school” feel like it’s not enough?

stethoscope on book - 560

SMS (“Stanford Medical School”) Unplugged was recently launched as a forum for students to chronicle their experiences in medical school. The student-penned entries appear on Scope once a week; the entire blog series can be found in the SMS Unplugged category.

A friend from home came to visit me a while back. I hadn’t seen this friend in years, so we traipsed off campus, to a café I love, and nursed our lattes as we caught up on each other’s lives. She told me about her recent travels, highlights from her college years, her plans for the next several months and more. And then she turned to me and asked me what I was up to these days. I described what my typical day was like – workout, go to classes, study, repeat.

When I was done, she asked – “So… outside of med school, what else are you involved in at Stanford? Start-ups? Student organizations? Research?”

I felt a slight flush come over my cheeks and found myself saying, almost sheepishly, “I’m mostly just focusing on med school.” Just. Just med school. 

We continued our chat, but when I came home later, my thoughts wandered back to that “just” and why I felt so guilty about not having many outside commitments in medical school.

I knew part of it was the knowledge that I had never been a one-task kind of girl. In high school, there was debate, science Olympiad, Indian classical dance, and more. In college, there was Camp Kesem, a fusion dance team and research. I poured hours and hours into each and every one of these activities, but something in me shifted when I came to medical school.

That mental transition was and continues to be such a difficult one for me. I know Stanford is an incredible place – with start-ups blossoming every which way and the word “innovation” being uttered somewhere on campus every minute (probably not an exaggeration). Everyone around me seems so impressive – with multiple research publications, various awards to their name, travels abroad to assist with surgeries, and so on. Don’t get me wrong, I love this passion at Stanford, this drive to change the world – it’s why I came here, and why I hope to stay here as long as possible.

But it’s also easy to look at every other person and wonder how they’re doing it all, and more than that, wonder why graduating  not only with an MD (after all, everyone in the class gets one of those!) but also a string of additional achievements, feels like the baseline expectation for med students.

In just a few weeks, my classmates and I are going to be done with our pre-clerkship years and those of us who aren’t taking one or more research years (myself included) will directly transition to clerkships. I can’t wait to spend hours speaking with patients, working in a team to figure out diagnoses, and brainstorming treatment plans. I can’t wait to experience that excitement when I realize what aspect of medicine I want to practice for the rest of my life and feel that puzzle piece slide snugly into place inside me.

And I can’t wait for the moment when I can leave out the “just,” to see that same friend and happily say, “I’m mostly focusing on med school. And I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Hamsika Chandrasekar is a second-year student at Stanford’s medical school. She has an interest in medical education and pediatrics.

Photo by Dr.Farouk

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